Validating emotions matrure dating

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Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. My initial impulse was to react with hurt and say, "Well she's not here and I am, so take or leave it, bub." I resisted, and instead said lovingly, "You really want Mama, don't you? I forgot my plan for a moment, and shifted to "reality" saying, "I'm sorry she's not here, Maxie, but I'll snuggle with you." I was thinking, "She's going to be here in ten minutes, it's not that bad! I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others.It's sad when she's not home." "Yah," admitted Max, reaching out closer to me."She's such a good snuggler, and so warm and just right.We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted. It was obvious by his face that he was scared and I wanted to share, understand, and validate his feeling.Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. But after I asked if he were a little bit scared and before he had a chance to answere the other social worker interupted us and in a scolding tone of voice told him there was nothing to be afraid of! When someone is experiencing a strong feeling, sometimes we "try to help" by telling her or him "it's not so bad." This attempt to minimize the negative experience -- to save someone from the struggle, actually undermines the effort to help.

And we'd just have a lovely snuggle." Suddenly, Max changed gears and spoke in his "you-silly-Daddy voice" -- "But my bed isn't big enough." When I gave into the impulse to "solve" the situation by telling Max the facts, I was forgetting (again) that facts are not relevant to the emotional brain.We are demonstrating that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)? We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. Just the other day we took a small boy to the doctor's office and I asked him if he was a little bit scared.Viewing pages in SM, or contributing material to it, means that you have read and agreed to its Terms of Use.The information in Skillful Means (SM) is no substitute for professional psychological or physical health care, nor for mature spiritual guidance.

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